You’re so municipal baby and you don’t even know it baby

All right, mass retailers (I’m looking at you, Wal-Mart). Time to step up and leave bigots nowhere to do their one-stop shopping. 

IF IT TAKES DEPRIVING YOU OF STORES WHERE YOU CAN FIND LARGE BOXES OF GOLDFISH CRACKERS, $20 SHOES, AND CHEAP CHIC LAWN FURNITURE ALL IN THE SAME PLACE THAT’S WHAT IT TAKES, LES POWELL AND FRIENDS

If you aren’t following @furby on Instagram you’re a god damn idiot

I run a standup show once a month for improvisers who do standup. It’s not improvised standup, it’s just people you like doing standup for a friendly, supportive audience. IT’S FUCKING GREAT.

Tonight’s lineup:

Bradford Evans

Katie Orr

Joe Weber

Zach Fairless

David Harris

Roman Presnell

Moses Storm

and hosted by me! So yeah I talk some, too. 

The show is from 9-10 (nice and short. I don’t have the attention span for long shows) at 7023 Melrose (Melrose and La Brea). And it’s FREE! It’s a lot of fun so you should come out if you can. And if you’d like to submit, send your shit to minotaurcomedy@gmail.com. If I don’t know you and you don’t have anything taped, just convince me. 

You could be one of these smiling, blurry people tonight!

I have a lot of friends with the type of stupid, unhealthy habits young people develop because they think it doesn’t really matter yet. A lot of people say they’d rather live hard and die young than “grow old” and I have to tell you, that’s a fucking joke. You won’t just hit 40 and be ready to hang up your chaps and die. 

My stepmom died over six years ago of an accidental prescription drug overdose when she was only 30 (my first stepmom. I have a different one now, and she’s doing just fine. And she’s great. And yeah my dad’s into younger women, no need to do the math). I was a freshman in college when she died, and she had been in my life since I was 7 - married to my dad for most, but not all, of that time.

It amazes me how often I cry about it. Every few days something will hit me and I can’t believe how much it still hurts. Last week I found myself in the locker room at the gym, doubled over against the lockers because I walked in and smelled her perfume. I hate that she never got the chance to really turn her life around, to stop drinking and using her prescriptions irresponsibly and to figure out how to be happy. I really thought she would. I so believed in her and I just knew that someday she’d work past her issues and everyone would see how wonderful she really was. Sometimes I find myself in disbelief that she’s dead because her story is so horribly unfinished. There’s no redemption, no victory, no conclusion. Just an abrupt and unglamorous end. 

There’s so much I couldn’t talk to her about when she was alive because I was too young and I know if she were still around now, she’d understand me in some ways that my parents never can. She’d be so proud of me for living in LA and pursuing my dreams. 

It’s unbelievable to me how much her loss still hurts me and I hate to see other people I love being so careless with their lives. This is not just your life and you don’t have forever to turn it around. 

Look, I got a question right in my statistics class!

Give me 20 minutes and plenty of screencaps of Huffington Post comments and I can drive anyone to commit a murder/suicide.

They realize this says “it’s f’n easy,” right? Is this on purpose? I’m so confused

I’m on Ify Nwadiwe’s awesome podcast with the precociously hilarious Bill Kottkamp. Hear us do silly (great) bits, talk about Andy Kaufman’s dick pics, and learn about our journeys into comedy. Then we get weird and delve into the world of race, politics, and civil rights! But IN A SUPER FUN WAY. 

Is this a litmus test where the wrong answer gets me sent to Guantanamo?