You know how you spend your entire life trying to come up with the perfect short bio for yourself? Well, I did it.
p.s. you should read my first article on smosh i love it
i dont think i’ll ever stop reblogging this shit
A little bit of sunshine during the CRAPPIEST WEEK OF ALL TIME
fluent in latin? or elvish? FLUENT IN WHAT??
ETA: To my dear friend Forrest, who answered Spanish. That is where the humor of this post comes from
i can’t wait for the part in the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie where they use their huge hands to shove tiny blue contacts in their eyes
I’ve had some near-death experiences in my life and after doing something stupid last night I started thinking about what my obituaries could have been if I had actually died during these various instances. Here goes.
- Erika Heidewald, 25, was electrocuted Sunday by fallen power lines while sneaking past firefighters to investigate where all those loud noises came from (this is the one from last night).
- Girl, 15, dies in jet ski accident in Gulf of Mexico while intoxicated on lime margaritas. Parents under investigation for negligence.
- Two 16-year-olds dead after flipping car end over end three and a half times. The girls were juniors at Bloomington High School South, where they participated in no activities or clubs and had little to show for their time on this earth. The driver, Erika Heidewald, got her license a month ago and was most likely at fault.
- Girl, 16, murdered by angry young men after honking at them and maybe flipping them the bird while driving. They got out of their car, baseball bats in hand (this is true), and approached soon-to-be murder victim Erika Heidewald in her mom’s Toyota Sienna mini van. She tried to run them over (I thought about it) and then they beat her to death. She never made it to bowling and her friends were vaguely like “hey I thought Erika was coming.” But she couldn’t because she was dead.
- A 19-year-old Indiana University student was gang-murdered in Irkutsk, Russia because everyone told her that taking the Trans-Siberian by yourself is not safe but she just wouldn’t listen. Parents reportedly “very sad but not surprised.”
- Girl, 9, dead of sepsis after cutting off the end of her finger in an unfortunate ladder hinge incident at the Lake of the Ozarks. Her dad told her it was “just a pinch” and refused to take her to the hospital because it turns out there is such a thing as being TOO chill.
- Woman, anywhere between 16 and 25 years old, dead after running her car into a wall because she was like “what if I just did that.” And then she did it. Yep, this one is sad.
- Woman, 21, froze to death in Riverside while working as an extra on Cold Case (the irony!). She was wearing a midriff top and short skirt during a night shoot in 48-degree weather. Scientists previously thought it was impossible to freeze to death in such temperatures but have now been proven wrong.
- Girl, 14, dead in motorcycle accident after her dad and brother put her on a motorcycle that was too big for her and didn’t teach her to ride it and then just sent her on her way.
- A 25-year-old Los Angeles woman was murdered after meeting a Tinder match at their place without first meeting in public to verify that he was not a murderer. Turns out he WAS a murderer.
Rest in Peace, fictional alternate-universe Erikas. You were dummies.
I think I found the weirdest Amazon review? Like… did her husband die and now she has to review his Amazon purchases? Did he leave her and she’s changing all his reviews out of spite? Why does she assume Blood and Chrome only deserves three stars when it clearly should be five?
this is what i look like when i’m home alone. like the second you leave my house. kinda surprising
Me at 25 and 15. One unending party
The hairstylist for this Vyvanse commercial should be drawn and quartered